Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*