Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
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This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
The two types of wives
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.