My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
BETRAYAL
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.