customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
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Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that