It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm