my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
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Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically