Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My beach vacation Google searches
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks