Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
sensitive skin
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!