I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.