Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Beware of the dog..
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.