It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”