Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
ibopfufen
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust