STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
🙋♀️
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?