me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Twitter fine art
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?