Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah