if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie