What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Every haunted house movie:
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.