Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
craving $300 all of a sudden
Worth a try
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Tastes like chicken.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws