Oh the world we live in…
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AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.