Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth