When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.