Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.