We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My dad teaching me to drive
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Every work meeting this week
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
fly smarter, not harder
what’s really going on
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.