early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
You Might Also Like
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Somebody’s lying.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Storm Tropical Storm
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.