[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
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Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I鈥檓 sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Almost quitting time鈥heers!馃
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe鈥檚 when you鈥檙e starving to death.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 馃槀
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 馃ぃ