Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?