Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
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Eat…
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house