Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
You Might Also Like
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz