Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.