I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
This is true.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*