I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
this chia pet tastes awful
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
good work, detective
Story of my life…..
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.