Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!