Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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pictures of spider-man
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Go girl power!
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.