They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Mummies are just super modest zombies