me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
White Castle for the Win
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
dutch so unserious
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife