My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
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[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Lucky old June.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.