Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.