I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
You Might Also Like
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Any refunds available?…
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!