I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.