Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
my dad has had enough
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.