*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
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Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan