Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
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Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I’m a bad influence on myself.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect