can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
You Might Also Like
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.