No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*