Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
this FaceApp is creepy af
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
#StillHurts
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.