Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
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Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
How wrong was this guy?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Mornin
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.