You Might Also Like
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash