Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Dune (2021)
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess