Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Phonetics
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Breaking news:
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
“What movie?” 🤔
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?