my first dose meeting my second
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.